The Peace I wanted.

It's 2:10 a.m and I feel sophisticated as I lay in a pair of underwear and my bed sheet wrapped ever so glamorously around my shoulders. You know, because this bed sheet gives me this sense of dressing up,in the way only a serious writer can, when we share our thoughts in the wee morning.

I feel no burden about the past and no overwhelming anticipation for the future. At 2 a.m I am thinking about monochrome and red lipstick or bold and quirky sneakers and lacy dress for work tomorrow. I have a relaxed air that I desired for so long and some how,it just found me in bed tonight. It sort of just came in and lay with me in the partial nude.

I recall the obsession I had as a young woman, far from 25 about my singleness unfolding into a miserable life filled with cats that I don't have a natural affinity for. I don't feel like I'm missing out on a relationship anymore. I stare at my metallic shiny toes over the top of my laptop and feel my shaven legs whisk past each other and I feel oddly blessed in the liberating solitude. This moment is so one on one that soft jazz instrumental in playing in the background. Needless to say, I am somewhat dramatic and I take myself very seriously, not the overwhelming kind though.

I really took my singleness for granted. As with everything,there are perks and pains but my mind skips back to sitting across a table with an older friend who recounted her deep enthusiasm of her live in boyfriend being out for the weekend and the unbridled joy that was boiling deep within her at the possibility of having the house all to herself. I thought to myself that she must really miss the opportunity to wear tennis socks and slide across the hallway tiles or scratch her butt without wondering whether her sex appeal is going to the dogs. At that moment, deeply, I was grateful for the opportunity to be a total fool if I cared to, without having my eyes burst into puppy dog worry as to whether the object of my affection was roused by me in my natural habitat.

I reminded myself of how much I loved sleeping alone in a double bed so I could selfishly toss and roll as I please....or watching movies that start with beautiful Parisian music or wild gun slinging, asphalt burning violence. I almost forget how this period made allowances for my personal passions. Like everyone else I suppose, my phone nor my dm's aren't bone dress, but most days, if I am honest...I couldn't be bothered except for the one off gentleman that has come in with a sharpened mind to dance with mine.

I guess the key which I totally overlooked was to enjoy now. It sounds simple but I was beating myself over the head with a club. I looked at full of shit exs chase tail and waste the time of new women and i listened to friends who amplified the good in their romantic relationships but seemed to hide the bad under Harry Potter's cloak of invisibility.I saw all the good outside of my circumstance and so assumed that my life was full of lack. I revel at the freedom of choices waiting to be made. Of love and treasure waiting to be found. I am excited for the possibility of the unknown, not knowing when it will over take me...much like the calm that came to lay with me tonight.

I'm glad to be out of the relationship sphere right now. Sometimes in the coffee shop of my mind, my eyes open full circle as I listen to stories of people in relationships but their hearts,lusts and affections linger elsewhere and I can't help but think that I'm so glad to be free of such low key deceit...but of course as the single friend, you've got to smile and nod politely so as not to paint others with judgement.

I now have the peace that I was advised to have by taken friends. I always found it weird  how they  advise for you to "relax and enjoy singlehood" while they can no longer have one measly conversation with you without bringing up their significant other. I lowkey admire women who have a full identity  not found in a man..that one can love her significant other entirely and still can sustain some sort of conversation about personal interests without seeming solely like the extension or personal day planner of another human being. I dig that. I find myself humoured and dancing the line now as oppose to appearing like a woman caught on fire dying to jump in. I appreciate a season like this...and even if this singlehood is far more permanent than I anticipate, my to-do list is sufficiently long enough to keep me to keep me happily occupied.

And guys,...this peace is really sexy, like its alluring in ways I didn't know and I say this because some months ago I would have flung my most prized possessions up in the air and jumped onto horseback with a man who could ignite my mind...nowww....even in the face of men who are intellectually stimulating enough to remain on my mind long after we've met...I must think long and hard with a fine tooth comb as to whether they could really be worth giving up my single's liberty.

What a beautiful place to be..to not need but want a man..and not be phased even in the face of him being amazing because you've finally realize how unbelievably amazing you are too.

I am consoled that I will never have to work in any excruciating manner for any man...as I retired from boys whom i had to hunt for affection and respect . Now as a woman, I enter a world where men hunt, not like savages but like steamy eyes and intrigue meeting a clean feminine silhouette at the top of the stairs at a gala event and saying to oneself..She's what I want and with unmatched determination....I will never attend any future gala....without her. Damn! she's beautiful.

I scarcely care whether this is considered arrogance.

I am the prize and I can no longer be moved by suitors who are daft to the fact.

Now I must depart, cool sheets,jazz music and bare skin relaxation await. Calm has been shooting me sultry eyes and tapping my shoulder for the last 10 minutes. I must be gone.

Toodles my singles. May fine wine,single's liberty and pure sophistication await you.

Love.
Stella xox