Un-apologetically Soulful
It would seem today that things are in reverse, considering that this is just about always my farewell remark to you.
Un-apologetically Soulful. I see now that it has this powerful optimism and resonates self awareness. I see that now and it burdened me greatly because I had a message to share which was not optimistic.It did not end with the chapter of hope. I only had a grey lining. barely silver,barely any lining altogether. For months and even on dark days- the mess was just that...a mess.
I apologize to all my readers for the lengthy wait.I apologize also for a message far from inspiring...but perhaps as raw and vulnerable as I am ever willing to get.
Tonight, I saw a picture of what and who use to be perhaps the love of my life. The human force which could harness and forcefully evoke the true depth and passion of my emotion. Tragedy struck and we parted ways..in a very bitter...dry whole wheat toast and strong orange marmalade sort of way...it wasn't altogether palatable. It wasn't pretty...and it went from was to wasn't all in God's time. I was devastated. The sort of devastation where you comb your hair on a morning and look particularly sharp, do your make up,wear perky lipstick and get your nails done sort of way. The sort of devastation where you greet all your neighbours and hear them utter behind you what a total darling you are ...what a "joy" you are. The sort of devastation which has the stamina to move through leaps and bounds and endure months..if not years. It was altogether perfect devastation.
I know this now because my devastation was a beautiful and solid gold cast, protecting me from further jabs and further hurt. I stayed away from source of the pain however time eroded the grudge behind my smile and slowly warmth and true blood was circulating through my being again. I was living on poison, my heart was being fed on all things bitter and venomous, deep deep,down inside.
Tragedy struck him and my humanity was instantly evoked. I never for a moment thought "yes, you deserve it"..I thought of his thoughts and his feelings. I empathized with what I knew would be his disappointment. I thought against any judgement to reach out...to step outside my comfort zone...to message...at least..and there..
*despair*
a picture of who and what use to be the love of my life laying in the arms or someone else. I knew then that I didn't have a wound anymore..I had become the wound. I had silenced myself into festering. I was sick. Heavily medicated emotionally. Numb.What scared me most was that I was pretty void of my normal reaction. There were no tears. My heart did not sink. I didn't hear it beating in my ears. I didn't feel my blood pressure blurring my vision. I didn't feel my chest constricting or my throat swelling from exhausting tears. I didn't feel...I just ,for the most part saw.
I know what it feels like though, when the love falls apart
and the two which were one are feverishly looking to smile again,
to move on
to gain a sense of normalcy.
You see the fear was that maybe, if I stopped to cry and if I stopped to feel
and I really allowed myself to be as down as I felt...I would honestly never get up again. That is the severity of the turmoil that I felt.
I'm not a rusting car, void of operable engine that I should be parked outside a garage never to work again. Created in flesh,not metal, I knew that I wasn't predestined to have a breakdown and to sit under the elements to have further dignity and polish stripped from me every time it rained and poured. The door of perfect devastation presented itself and as sure as I am typing this now, I know that by taking that route that I opted for a circle journey. Here I am, square one.
I gained wonderful experiences and met beautiful people along that road...but as those people and I said farewell...I returned to meet grief like a dog locked outside of its owner's house...in front my door, awaiting my return. I won't be able to get into my house without first getting grief out of the way or opening the door and letting it run in and make acquaintance with me.
What I know now, is that I cannot turn my back, run away and pretend that a gaping wound was a paper cut. It was as grim as a man being shot close range, packing his bodily fluids and vital organs behind the compression of his trembling and "in shock" hands and saying.."i'm okay, just take me to the hospital." Initially, you simply can't fathom that you've placed yourself in such an emotionally catastrophic dilemma. For freaks sake, you just want some normalcy...But normalcy at a season like that was pretense at the highest level.
I faked my way out of heart ache..and I came to meet it again...still bloodied..still bruised...still sad..still poorly nursed and incompletely healed.
I had experienced a loss, whether sacrificed or naturally parted. Now, there was a hole in my spirit and emotional stability. My universe was warping and I was persistent- determined to be strong, keep strong, pressure-cook but not crack.
All , to sit and feel like a wound, to owl about like a ghostly insomniac at ungodly hours. To at some point sleep, to God willing, rise. To comb my hair a few hours from now and look particularly sharp, to do my make up and wear perky lipstick and get my nails done over the weekend. To greet my neighbours and hear them utter behind me what an utter and complete "joy" I am...
and my universe seems to warp like an old lady of pained aged who has befriended Alzheimers...Forgetting, remembering, depressing,regressing,progressing,forgetting..
You taught me that grief is necessary.
It would seem today that things are in reverse, considering that this is just about always my farewell remark to you.
Un-apologetically Soulful. I see now that it has this powerful optimism and resonates self awareness. I see that now and it burdened me greatly because I had a message to share which was not optimistic.It did not end with the chapter of hope. I only had a grey lining. barely silver,barely any lining altogether. For months and even on dark days- the mess was just that...a mess.
I apologize to all my readers for the lengthy wait.I apologize also for a message far from inspiring...but perhaps as raw and vulnerable as I am ever willing to get.
Tonight, I saw a picture of what and who use to be perhaps the love of my life. The human force which could harness and forcefully evoke the true depth and passion of my emotion. Tragedy struck and we parted ways..in a very bitter...dry whole wheat toast and strong orange marmalade sort of way...it wasn't altogether palatable. It wasn't pretty...and it went from was to wasn't all in God's time. I was devastated. The sort of devastation where you comb your hair on a morning and look particularly sharp, do your make up,wear perky lipstick and get your nails done sort of way. The sort of devastation where you greet all your neighbours and hear them utter behind you what a total darling you are ...what a "joy" you are. The sort of devastation which has the stamina to move through leaps and bounds and endure months..if not years. It was altogether perfect devastation.
I was altogether perfectly devastated.
I know this now because my devastation was a beautiful and solid gold cast, protecting me from further jabs and further hurt. I stayed away from source of the pain however time eroded the grudge behind my smile and slowly warmth and true blood was circulating through my being again. I was living on poison, my heart was being fed on all things bitter and venomous, deep deep,down inside.
Tragedy struck him and my humanity was instantly evoked. I never for a moment thought "yes, you deserve it"..I thought of his thoughts and his feelings. I empathized with what I knew would be his disappointment. I thought against any judgement to reach out...to step outside my comfort zone...to message...at least..and there..
*despair*
a picture of who and what use to be the love of my life laying in the arms or someone else. I knew then that I didn't have a wound anymore..I had become the wound. I had silenced myself into festering. I was sick. Heavily medicated emotionally. Numb.What scared me most was that I was pretty void of my normal reaction. There were no tears. My heart did not sink. I didn't hear it beating in my ears. I didn't feel my blood pressure blurring my vision. I didn't feel my chest constricting or my throat swelling from exhausting tears. I didn't feel...I just ,for the most part saw.
I know what it feels like though, when the love falls apart
and the two which were one are feverishly looking to smile again,
to move on
to gain a sense of normalcy.
You see the fear was that maybe, if I stopped to cry and if I stopped to feel
and I really allowed myself to be as down as I felt...I would honestly never get up again. That is the severity of the turmoil that I felt.
I'm not a rusting car, void of operable engine that I should be parked outside a garage never to work again. Created in flesh,not metal, I knew that I wasn't predestined to have a breakdown and to sit under the elements to have further dignity and polish stripped from me every time it rained and poured. The door of perfect devastation presented itself and as sure as I am typing this now, I know that by taking that route that I opted for a circle journey. Here I am, square one.
I gained wonderful experiences and met beautiful people along that road...but as those people and I said farewell...I returned to meet grief like a dog locked outside of its owner's house...in front my door, awaiting my return. I won't be able to get into my house without first getting grief out of the way or opening the door and letting it run in and make acquaintance with me.
What I know now, is that I cannot turn my back, run away and pretend that a gaping wound was a paper cut. It was as grim as a man being shot close range, packing his bodily fluids and vital organs behind the compression of his trembling and "in shock" hands and saying.."i'm okay, just take me to the hospital." Initially, you simply can't fathom that you've placed yourself in such an emotionally catastrophic dilemma. For freaks sake, you just want some normalcy...But normalcy at a season like that was pretense at the highest level.
I faked my way out of heart ache..and I came to meet it again...still bloodied..still bruised...still sad..still poorly nursed and incompletely healed.
I had experienced a loss, whether sacrificed or naturally parted. Now, there was a hole in my spirit and emotional stability. My universe was warping and I was persistent- determined to be strong, keep strong, pressure-cook but not crack.
All , to sit and feel like a wound, to owl about like a ghostly insomniac at ungodly hours. To at some point sleep, to God willing, rise. To comb my hair a few hours from now and look particularly sharp, to do my make up and wear perky lipstick and get my nails done over the weekend. To greet my neighbours and hear them utter behind me what an utter and complete "joy" I am...
and my universe seems to warp like an old lady of pained aged who has befriended Alzheimers...Forgetting, remembering, depressing,regressing,progressing,forgetting..
You taught me that grief is necessary.
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