Studies and human behavior have proven that there is a correlation between addictive behaviors and trauma...how molesters were perhaps at one point molested, how addicts who were at one point experiencing what should have been a temporary low encountered drugs and ended up experiencing what seems to be a perpetual and recurring one.
It has also occurred in the human condition that people have found themselves addicted to temporarily pleasurable behaviours just to cope with some sort of pain, absence and emotional injury. Some individuals use pleasurable or numbing habits such as shopping, eating, partying, sex ,alcohol consumption and even gambling to create a temporary alternate reality.
Presently, I am having a personal encounter with Heart ache and my numbing habit has been eating.
I still have one neck but emotionally I feel like I'm cracking the pavements. Each individual copes with emotional injury differently. Fortunately or Unfortunately eating has been mine. I noticed that that had been the case with me when I happened to throw down a meal of Four Wings, Plaintains, Dasheen, Rice and peas, then followed it with a wedge of German chocolate cake. For one, I detest rice and eat it provisionally and two, I don't particularly understand the love of coconut and chocolate. I'm from the Caribbean, coconuts and coco pods are beautifully delectable - separately. I'm sure you know how I feel about Almond Joy.
This morning, I needed help to be zipped into a dress that would usually fit me and some breeze. Sitting at the lunch table at work however, I felt like I would have oozed through the very fabric of my dress. I have absolutely no problem with bigger women. I believe that once you are healthy and love your size then that's all that should matter (that along with dressing well). Its becoming a problem for me because I am not at my healthiest and I am not okay with my weight. Any male reading this, as I've been told before in person, would say well don't talk about it,do something about it. I am and will but right now I'm need to get this off my chest and reach out to anyone else who feels the same and alone in all this.
Emotional eating is something to be weary of and considering the slabs of weight I've gained- I know that my leave of absence from dance is not the only thing to blame.
Without sadness, I love food. I love food when I'm happy, I love food when I'm hungry.I love food when I'm alone. I love food when I'm with friends and when no one is around, I can peacefully watch Food Network till the Kingdom comes. I do have a personal mantra that food is love and if you love people you will feed them- you can't love someone and leave them hungry. I have a very large family perhaps in total 18-20 something aunts and uncles and of those that I am closely associated, they're all amazing cooks. Along side that my dad is a professional cook. Food is everywhere in my state of happiness and also everywhere in my state of sadness. I am now seriously convinced that some of my meals were not for satisfaction of hungry but rather an attempt to fill an emptiness misconstrued as hunger.
I jokingly said to a friend today that I crave a BUCKET of KFC chicken and then sarcastically threw in that maybe the cholesterol would fill the holes in my heart. I look back now and wonder what the hell is going on in my subconscious;
When going through a tough time, its easy to latch onto habits to help us release especially if the one who inflicted the pain refuses to be a participant in its alleviation.
Clearly, I need to channel my energies into something that will bring forth good things in my life. What I thought was a secret ache and secret remedy is quite obvious to others. Persons have been unable to recognize me from the back, others have been confused when encountering me face to face and have tried to find nice ways of saying how I've been slapping on the layers but Whatever.
My point to you besides bearing my heart out in whatever fashion it comes off, is that inside you is a powerful place, physically and spiritually. Whatever manifests there comes racing into reality. The body is self healing if in tip top shape, therefore the spirit should be also ,however just like the body which is most cases is neglected, the spiritual self is left to wither and so when we're hurt, we sometimes need greater centering so that we can heal. The weight that I've gained its part of my deviant behaviour when it comes to dealing with my problem head on. I can admit it. I'm finding my way. I'm taking things one day at a time and the benefit to a pace as slow as this is that I can notice that my methods have been madness...
I question my temptation to click "Publish" where I will be sending off my sad-eating testimony into a world of gym revolution men and women who sneeze protein powder and grunt instead of yawn but...I've never been one to dabble in pretense so I'll keep it real for those of you who can relate.
My hugs I'm sure, are so much warmer....
My curves and rolls are wishing you the comfort and protection that they will be giving my bones till they morph into muscle and well...I guess
We'll continue this in my next Blog post- "Passion Cake" and then we'll go right into "Women & Gros Pwel."
See You guys soon.
ALWAY SOULFUL *Mwah*
It has also occurred in the human condition that people have found themselves addicted to temporarily pleasurable behaviours just to cope with some sort of pain, absence and emotional injury. Some individuals use pleasurable or numbing habits such as shopping, eating, partying, sex ,alcohol consumption and even gambling to create a temporary alternate reality.
Presently, I am having a personal encounter with Heart ache and my numbing habit has been eating.
I still have one neck but emotionally I feel like I'm cracking the pavements. Each individual copes with emotional injury differently. Fortunately or Unfortunately eating has been mine. I noticed that that had been the case with me when I happened to throw down a meal of Four Wings, Plaintains, Dasheen, Rice and peas, then followed it with a wedge of German chocolate cake. For one, I detest rice and eat it provisionally and two, I don't particularly understand the love of coconut and chocolate. I'm from the Caribbean, coconuts and coco pods are beautifully delectable - separately. I'm sure you know how I feel about Almond Joy.
This morning, I needed help to be zipped into a dress that would usually fit me and some breeze. Sitting at the lunch table at work however, I felt like I would have oozed through the very fabric of my dress. I have absolutely no problem with bigger women. I believe that once you are healthy and love your size then that's all that should matter (that along with dressing well). Its becoming a problem for me because I am not at my healthiest and I am not okay with my weight. Any male reading this, as I've been told before in person, would say well don't talk about it,do something about it. I am and will but right now I'm need to get this off my chest and reach out to anyone else who feels the same and alone in all this.
Emotional eating is something to be weary of and considering the slabs of weight I've gained- I know that my leave of absence from dance is not the only thing to blame.
Without sadness, I love food. I love food when I'm happy, I love food when I'm hungry.I love food when I'm alone. I love food when I'm with friends and when no one is around, I can peacefully watch Food Network till the Kingdom comes. I do have a personal mantra that food is love and if you love people you will feed them- you can't love someone and leave them hungry. I have a very large family perhaps in total 18-20 something aunts and uncles and of those that I am closely associated, they're all amazing cooks. Along side that my dad is a professional cook. Food is everywhere in my state of happiness and also everywhere in my state of sadness. I am now seriously convinced that some of my meals were not for satisfaction of hungry but rather an attempt to fill an emptiness misconstrued as hunger.
I jokingly said to a friend today that I crave a BUCKET of KFC chicken and then sarcastically threw in that maybe the cholesterol would fill the holes in my heart. I look back now and wonder what the hell is going on in my subconscious;
When going through a tough time, its easy to latch onto habits to help us release especially if the one who inflicted the pain refuses to be a participant in its alleviation.
Clearly, I need to channel my energies into something that will bring forth good things in my life. What I thought was a secret ache and secret remedy is quite obvious to others. Persons have been unable to recognize me from the back, others have been confused when encountering me face to face and have tried to find nice ways of saying how I've been slapping on the layers but Whatever.
My point to you besides bearing my heart out in whatever fashion it comes off, is that inside you is a powerful place, physically and spiritually. Whatever manifests there comes racing into reality. The body is self healing if in tip top shape, therefore the spirit should be also ,however just like the body which is most cases is neglected, the spiritual self is left to wither and so when we're hurt, we sometimes need greater centering so that we can heal. The weight that I've gained its part of my deviant behaviour when it comes to dealing with my problem head on. I can admit it. I'm finding my way. I'm taking things one day at a time and the benefit to a pace as slow as this is that I can notice that my methods have been madness...
I question my temptation to click "Publish" where I will be sending off my sad-eating testimony into a world of gym revolution men and women who sneeze protein powder and grunt instead of yawn but...I've never been one to dabble in pretense so I'll keep it real for those of you who can relate.
My hugs I'm sure, are so much warmer....
My curves and rolls are wishing you the comfort and protection that they will be giving my bones till they morph into muscle and well...I guess
We'll continue this in my next Blog post- "Passion Cake" and then we'll go right into "Women & Gros Pwel."
See You guys soon.
ALWAY SOULFUL *Mwah*
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