I don't think I could be more real with you guys in this post and it scares me. I suppose every blogger treads a thin line when they speak about life and love and all of those things that we ,as persons can relate to in each other. You want to maintain a little privacy yet you can't help but bare your soul.
Today was hard. Mercy! it was hard. Love can be so confusing when you're trying to find it or when you're trying to make love out of something your head tells you is not love,but your heart wishes it was.Guys, today was hard. I felt so broken-so sad! and I kept trying to jump start myself.I was fighting a battle against negativity.I knew all the things I needed to do to feel better but I felt sad and I wanted to sit in my sadness. Sad was the mood for the moment and I was not going to "guru-talk" myself out of a feeling I was born with.It's okay to be sad.(sometimes)
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The only way I could describe how I felt was with this quote-
“Perhaps this is what the stories meant when they called somebody heartsick. Your heart and your stomach and your whole insides felt empty and hollow and aching.”
― Gabriel García Márquez
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I was running only my spiritual "E". I was low on fuel and to make it worse-I had no motivation to get out and push,meaning to get up and read my bible.
Today was hard. Mercy! it was hard. Love can be so confusing when you're trying to find it or when you're trying to make love out of something your head tells you is not love,but your heart wishes it was.Guys, today was hard. I felt so broken-so sad! and I kept trying to jump start myself.I was fighting a battle against negativity.I knew all the things I needed to do to feel better but I felt sad and I wanted to sit in my sadness. Sad was the mood for the moment and I was not going to "guru-talk" myself out of a feeling I was born with.It's okay to be sad.(sometimes)
The only way I could describe how I felt was with this quote-
“Perhaps this is what the stories meant when they called somebody heartsick. Your heart and your stomach and your whole insides felt empty and hollow and aching.”
― Gabriel García Márquez
I felt so hollow.This is all because of a crush..well more than a crush but that's the thing with crushes-they have the potential to do just that to you-crush you. However, I was able to find myself pacified by my dear friend. She sat and she spoke with me. She knew what love and loss felt like. The love of her life died three weeks before their wedding. Her two children are the gifts he has left behind for her. I was so blown away by her strength. She's sweet and soft and sensitive but She's so strong and humble-I don't think she even realizes her own strength. She found out that she was pregnant with their second child a about two weeks after he died. She knew love. She knew loss.She knew pain yet she sat in front of me smiling whilst I poured out the depth of my heartache...and she said.." go through the motions,you feel hurt and its okay to feel that way. Hurt is fabulous!" and I was like
Hurt?...fabulous?..and she just sat back,nodding wisely in her chair.
"yep!,you heard me,Hurt is fabulous,because after the hurt comes the healing"
It all seemed to make sense and though I couldn't fathom how I would ever be able to nurse this apparent heartache, I could respect such profound wisdom and experience. I was over thinking myself into bits and pieces. I was thinking for someone else. I was putting reason to his behaviour that I just didn't understand. I felt like I had to reason out his behaviour because my reason might make more sense.I wanted to reject facts and live in my head for a while. Couldn't quite deal with the shock and that's the thing with love and pain and loss. The hurt is the kind that is embarrassing to confess. There is this fear that how you feel just won't make sense and how you feel fades in comparison to the situation at hand.
When you're hurting-you essentially are the only one who truly knows how you feel. People may look in on the situation which seems so insurmountable and see and treat it as if it were nothing.The difference between your problem being a mountain or a mole-hill is that you have feelings attached and they don't. Anyone I suppose can swing around some ballsy advice but feelings change everything.Our humanity lies in our feelings and I felt very human today.Very weak,very vulnerable-pathetic even. I knew better than to feel that way.
So, I went home-cried and cooked and spoke with my bestfriend. I put myself back together guys. Yes, I felt like I was falling apart.It happens to the best of us. I sat on my bed-ate pizza and asked God to sit with me and soothe me,much like a mother does to a crying or irritable baby. I came across this scripture.
Jeremiah 18:1-6
2Arise and go down to the potter’s house; there you will hear my word.3I went down to the potter’s house and there he was, working at the wheel.4Whenever the vessel of clay he was making turned out badly in his hand, he tried again, making another vessel of whatever sort he pleased.a5Then the word of the LORD came to me:6Can I not do to you, house of Israel, as this potter has done?—oracle of the LORD. Indeed, like clay in the hand of the potter, so are you in my hand, house of Israel."
When we are in pain,sad,hurting,achey,weary and broken hearted we must remember..We are in the Refiner's fire.We are in the Potter's hand.This journey we're on has a way of breaking us but we are in his hands and it is for that reason I suppose that hurt is truly fabulous,after all-We are his and his plan is perfect.
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