Forgiveness

The weak can never forgive. Forgiveness is the attribute of the strong.
Mahatma Gandhi 

Yes. Gandhi is right. Forgiveness is an attribute of the strong. A strength given to us only through the power of the Lord Jesus Christ. I know by this sentence, many would have been offended and figure they won't go on to read the rest. I however,make no apologies for the conclusions that I have drawn.

We think we forgive but we don't. Forgiveness is hard and its is a process of vehement rebuke against all of the pains the devil tries to make us think give us power. Bumpkins-there is weakness is bitterness. There is no power in the aggression that comes over you in the prescense of person/persons who have caused you pain. Over these past few days, things have just been coming to me-in odd and blatant relevation is respect to my heart.

How I truly feel about things and people who are under the impression that its all alright-but have scarred me because of their behaviour. There is strength in forgiveness and because of that I wanted to think that I had forgiven people who I felt had wronged me. NO! I did not.

Forgiveness was disrespectful and stiffling to my ego. I thought..why the hell (pardon me if this offends you) do I have to forgive. I did nothing wrong. It was done to me and I need to extend mercy to people. I was choked and angry- in deep deep deep pockets within myself. Pockets so deep that on some occasions-I believed myself. 

I knew I did not forgive because if the occasion presented itself where I had to speak about the things that hurt me- I spoke- I didn't lambaste the persons who hurt me- I spoke in confidence and cut ends quickly because,after all,I forgave. In my voice however, I would have spoken so emphatically about the pain that it became evident to me..if not other people as well that I was a human grudge boiling over.

So deep was this unforgiveness and you may laugh at this if you please but I am being honest. In primary school for instance- I was bullied by this girl. I was/am by nature a very caring and sensitive person. I recall days of sitting at my desk at school trembling. I remember my mom sitting with me asking if I wanted to be transferred from schools yet again. I didn't want to transfer-exams were soon and though I was afraid- I could foresee the shame I would feel having run away from school and how persons would laugh. Needless to say- there was no one in the world I detested---yes--detested more than this girl. As a child, and I journal-led then-I remember saying that if she were in a volcano holding on to the crater- I would be happy to step on her fingers. Leme tell you, no words could describe how negatively I felt about this girl's existence  We left primary school and onto Secondary..yes she came along and so did my underlying despise of her. Shamefully, these negative feelings went on for so long. She even went to church with me. Service was great ...till she walked through that door. The devil made manifest of all my pain and rage where so ever this girl's path and mine came together. I had some anger issues,just in case you're wondering if this is some gross exaggeration. Point is, I had dealt with this bitterness,unbenownst to anyone- I don't even think this girl knew how I felt. I didn't walk near, talk to or even frequent the company of her acquaintances.

More and more issues came.People did things and said things that broke my spirit and tore me down. I was a tough cookie and on any given day-believe me, I wasn't the person to make bones with. I was bitter. I remembered praying this longgggg prayer for forgiveness. I still couldn't do it. I couldn't let it go. The primary school story doesn't end with me saying this girl and I are friends-no, we're not. I haven't seen her in years. I don't know where she is but I think I forgive her. I suppose I'll truly know when I see her again-if I see her again.

I battled a lot with forgiveness and that was caused me much grief. When I started growing tired of the pain inside I started cutting people loose. I no longer operated by three strikes-you hurt me once and that was about all I could take. People didn't understand me-but I had just had enough. So, I let people go,long time and inseparable friends became strangers. I needed a remake of myself and I was fighting to change the atmosphere around me.

By now,you probably feel very distant from my story and believe me, the aforementioned is but a watered down and abbreviated exert from a chapter in my book of unforgiveness. Believe me-sa pa uhyeh. You know of course-Soulfully Stella functions primarily to encourage intellectually thinking and introspection so I'm just going to pose these scenarios.

Do you truly forgive these offenses that your mom/dad/relatives have committed against you?

Are you bitter against your nosey neighbour for bringing lies to your parents about you?

Do you just wish that that ignorant bus driver's bus would break down somewhere?

Are you bitter at your friends for doing things to you that friends shouldn't do?

What about, that cheating boyfriend/girlfriend, backstabbing friend, crab-moving gossiping acquaintances. Do you have resentment in your heart because of Judas' and Delilahs that you have come to know?..

LET IT GO!

Be rid of the things of the old. The abundance of the present continues to be at distance from us because of our obsessing over what was. I saw myself reliving pains and issues which were two years stale. WHYYYYYY was I living two years past tense. UNFORGIVENESS  Bumpkins. It made the pain vivid and present-It was my now-irrespective of how time had moved on. This is only part one of this post..as I feel like I have gone on for way too long...

I will leave you with this before I go till next time..

" forgive US OUR trespasses AS WE forgive those who trespass against us"

How can we ask for forgiveness that we ourselves are unwilling to give...

You MUST forgive.

Till Part Two
Soulful & True